By Mikaya Heart
This is the third in a series of articles on how sex can help us to understand the nature of reality, first published on cherrygrrl.com
Sex not only teaches us how to allow energy to flow through our own bodies, it also teaches us how to play with and shape the energy that is flowing through another person’s body. When we make love to someone, that is what we are doing. Having sex with someone is about the art of touch, about learning to dance with another person, about learning to play another person’s body as you would a musical instrument. The energy, whether it is flowing through another person’s body or an instrument, is alive, it knows how it wants to flow, and the person who is playing the instrument is the facilitator, who must be in tune with it, in tune with its frequency.
Of course, the energy of a person has the mind of the person through whom it flows to contend with as well as its own “mind!” Human beings tend to be motivated (or paralyzed) by fear of sickness and injury, by fear of rejection by culture, family, and partner, and, in western culture at least, by fear of being a bad person and doing the wrong thing. All of these fears can prevent a woman from allowing energy to flow through her freely if she believes the effect of so doing will be contrary to beliefs she holds about what it means to be a good person. In order to allow that free flow, she must either be motivated by very strong desire which will override her fear (although perhaps leave her ridden with guilt), or she must let go of the fear and move into trusting that the energy will not harm her or anyone else. Indeed, she must believe that allowing the energy to flow will be of benefit, and therefore it is OK to stop trying to control it. In truth, the attempt to control it is always limiting—but very few of us are brought up to believe that.
My own experience is that the energy which flows through me is deeply creative and life-affirming. It apparently comes from a source that is wiser by far than my own personal mind. When I find myself caught in fear, I often think of stepping back into a much broader perspective. I breathe and relax, letting myself fall into the embrace of something much faster than this small self that exists here in physical form. And that vaster awareness never fails me, although I fully acknowledge that the necessary level of trust requires a great deal of ongoing courage because our society and most of the people around us are so deeply rooted in fear. Those influences are not easily shed. We must sometimes be willing to stand alone, adhering to a deeper sense of knowing.
Sex is a way of using the body to go beyond the body, reaching to the source of the energy I’m talking about. What’s needed to do that can’t be calculated by the human brain? It is a sense of knowing that flows through the body from inside, requiring absolute presence. That’s why books about the mechanics of how to have good sex don’t work. They can point the way, but this kind of presence can’t be taught on an intellectual level. It goes far deeper than the intellect. A very good lover can not only facilitate the energy flow of her partner but also magnify it by offering exactly what the energy needs: touching another person in exactly the right way, at exactly the right speed, being completely attuned to what is required, without any interference by the intellect. This is what a good healer does too: when someone is sick and goes to a healer (any kind of healer: a western doctor, a massage therapist, a counselor, a psychic worker) for help, it is that person’s job to free up the flow of energy. Most sickness, discomfort, pain, and disease stem from the attempt to block energy.
This being present is about paying attention and focusing. It is simply committing all of ourselves to bear on the task at hand. When the intellect (the logical mind, the brain, the mental faculties, the thinking process) is in charge and attached to the kind of beliefs I mentioned above, it gets in the way. The intellect is intended to be a tool, and a very useful one, but it is not meant to be in charge. Whereas the energy flow is life force itself, wanting only to be fully alive, the intellect is holding onto externally imposed ideas that make us try to stay in control all the time—be cool, behave appropriately, appear smart. True knowing is much greater than the brain can grasp. During sex, many women mention the need to occupy the brain in one way or another, in order to distract it while the body aligns itself to allow the orgasm. Counting and fantasizing are two common methods of distracting the intellectual mind. We must find some way of sidestepping or moving beyond the limiting effects of this too-much-thinking-about-things before we can get to a place of bliss.
Sex teaches us how to move towards a sensation of pleasure, how to turn away from distractions and focus totally on aligning our bodies so that the energy is able to flow. We can learn how to utilize that ability in many situations. The key is desire, although it is often experienced more as a determination, a sense of purpose, a drive, a feeling of rightness. Just as sexual desire makes us throw caution to the winds and give ourselves over completely, so can any kind of desire, enabling an experience of ecstasy that is not associated with the genitals at all. We often call it creativity. Any great creator (and I am talking here about many manifestations of the ability to create: writer, mother, artist, dancer, singer, athlete, builder, etc,) will tell you that it is an orgasmic experience to be able to create freely (unless, as is often true, she doesn’t want her experience to be associated with sex). Yet creativity, not something we do – it’s something that flows through us and produces a certain outcome. We lose ourselves in the process, becoming absorbed to the exclusion of all else. While this feeling doesn’t usually surge through us in an intense and all-consuming manner like an orgasm, it can still be very powerful. It becomes more of a life habit, a way of being in the world, and less of an isolated event that we seek in order to distract ourselves from the awareness that it is missing from our daily lives.